My Random Thoughts of Life: On the search for Light in the World of Darkness

Good evening readers! I hope all is well with you all. How is your Lenten journey? Are you being still? Are you listening for what God is trying to show you? Are you letting go of what keeps you from hearing his voice? I hope so. Sometimes we get so wrapped in ourselves, our lives that we forget to take a breath and just talk with God. About anything really: life, our goals, our dreams, how we feel, etc. So take this time during Lent to really meditate, speak with God, thank him, and ask for strength or love if thats what you need. And remember you always have these things even when you don’t feel like you do. 

I guess that’s what I want to talk about today, strength and love. Two things that ultimately go together. We have to have to strength to love. But what is strength, just like the age old question what is love? Well both are relative and honestly if you are looking for an answer from me, I can’t give it to you. I can only give you a perspective, my own experiences. From there, you can develop your own. 

First strength….

Man for me strength was a long time coming. It was something I always had, but at many points in my life, I really didn’t believe I had it. I was too ashamed to ask for it to see it. When I finally realized how much strength God had given me, I was in a sense at my weakest point. I had fallen completely, on my last breath and had really given up. But the moment God gave me a second chance, told me this wasn’t it, I found that strength I had all long. And at my weakest moment, I lifted my own dead weight little by little to save myself. I found the strength to forgive myself, which is the hardest part. I found the strength to then forgive others. Then I found the strength to move on, to realize my purpose. Sometimes we fall so hard in life that we’re afraid to get back up. Life gives us the Heavyweight knock out of a life time and we figure, what now? Why get up? That’s when you really discover the strength God has given you, when you have to pick yourself up and start over. Its not easy, for any of us. It easier to just let life beat us then to fight to have life, to live life. But take it for me, the ripple of effect of giving up is far worse then fighting back. We can’t just lay down and die, be defeated when God gives us life time and time again because there is something wonderful we are suppose to do. A mark we are suppose to leave. But God can only do so much, can only lead us to the water so many times. We have to make the choice to drink from the river of strength, to discover the power within. I can’t stress this to you all enough that we have to listen, we have to see our second chances and not take them for granted. God wants to save us, he wants to help us but we have to take his hand because if we don’t how can he? 

This part is dedicated to my cousin and all those who just want to give up. DON’T. God believes in you and has lead to the strength you need to live life and not let it destroy you. You have the choice to take his hand and listen for your purpose. God places people in our lives who show you how much he loves you and wants you to succeed. If you can’t here his voice then listent to me, he told me he believes in you. That you are his child, that I am your sister, and that you will be okay. 

Now love…. 

Love is truly a strange thing. Maybe I obsess over it sometimes, trying to figure out the impossible. The idea, the so called emotion that has not true definition. So many times people try to tell others what love is but how can we tell another what love is? How love should be? When it’s a right to feel it, say it, or submit to it? So many times we are so busy trying to define the impossible, beat the impossible, run from the impossible, label the unknown, explain the unexplainable, when all the while love has it’s own stories. Each one never being the same. Each story unlike the first and the last. 

Maybe this is my epiphany. The realization that no one can tell what love is. When love will sometimes hurt, and how it will happen. And I can’t tell any of you either, no one can tell you. Not Romeo and Juliet or your mom and dad. Love is something personal, just like your relationship with God. It’s something we discover for ourselves but I do believe in order to find love, you have to see and feel God’s love first. You have realize how God loves you, in order to truly love another person and see their love for you. I think, and this is my own personal experience, that’s how love first hurts. I met my first love in college and I really couldn’t appreciate it like I should have. Neither one of us could, because we didn’t know God’s love of us individually. Our relationships with God weren’t right so naturally our relationship just wasn’t meant to be at that point, it just happened. We weren’t ready I guess. But in retrospect, looking back and talking to him about it, it was probably the realest love I had known with another person. It was something realized afterwards when I had learned God’s love first. How he doesn’t just love me for the good but for the bad. He accepts me for me. And while I did accept him, I couldn’t love him like I should have and vice versa. But that’s been my experience with love that it’s trial and error. You mess up with the first, make mistakes, and learn so that you love your last like God loves us, unconditionally. For better or for worse. Our love stories and ever afters will never be the same and while it gives us something to hope for, a love to call our own, it will be ours. It will be a story unlike any other. I recall this story my Aunt told me about her and my uncle. They were married 51 beautiful years (he died last May) and she told me she waited 9 years for him. Of course at the end of the 9 years she was close to ending it because she was tired of waiting but she knew that he wanted to be with her, even though he wasn’t ready but she knew he wanted to be ready for her. Now listening to that I learned the time old thing about love, you have be patient because good things come to those who wait. That sometimes sticking it out is better then being tortured by the what ifs. I mean its gamble but that’s love! Its not predictable, its not something that can measured, it is what it is. Now will I wait 9 years, probably not BUT am I willing to wait? Yes. I know my story won’t be hers and his, but so far the story is pretty good. No real complaints. And that’s where strength ties in with love….

Simply put you have to strength to love and to trust love. You have to trust yourself in order to trust love. You have to accept the strength from God in order to love like God. To be unconditionally in how you love. Some of us have this ideal relationship, mate, or person but that’s not reality and this isn’t a fairy tale. Prince Charming and Princess Jasmine don’t exist and the man or woman you meet can be just a pauper on the street. The beauty lies within, the soul is what matters, the heart not physical because it fades. Cartoons are immortal but newsflash…we aren’t. When I marry someone and spend my life with them, I want to see them at 80 years old the same way I saw them when we first met. I want to fall in love everyday for the littlest reasons and always at the end of the day go to bed with a smile. And ladies and gentlemen that takes strength in order to love like God. 

Peace Love and Happiness ❤ 

Ash Wednesday: Do you see your opportunity?

So I went to Ash Wednesday Mass at 7 today and I can say while the homily was short and sweet, I got a lot out of it. I really needed hear what he had to say tonight because I was wondering this whole time “what now?” I know I am just learning walk after two years, first learning to crawl and now walking on my own, but the next step would be to run right? I wondered how do I go about listening and opening myself up for the pieces and answers once again, for my next steps? What are my next steps? While I haven’t quite resolved those questions just yet, the pastor today made a good point. Lent is 40 days for us to get to know God and Jesus.

We are marked with ashes as a sign of reconciliation and rebirth with the sign of the cross being Jesus’ reclaiming us once again like the moment we were baptisted. And this thought provoking question presented by the paster is true.

Its not what are we going to do during Lent but what is GOD going to do for US doing Lent?

This is something that I think many us forget or neglect to think about during Lent. We’re so focused on what are WE going to do such as what to give up but we forget that it’s what is God going to do for us? How is going to reach out to us and what gifts does he have in store for our lives during this Lenten season. The gospel point for today was the traditional one Matthew 6: 1-6, 16-18

(Jesus said to His disciples,) [1] "Beware of practising your piety before men in order to be seen by them;
 for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in Heaven.
 [2]"Thus, when you give alms, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, 
that they may be praised by men. Truly, I say to you, they have their reward.
 [3] But when you give alms, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 
[4] so that your alms may be in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you. 
[5] "And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites; 
for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by men. Truly, I say 
to you, they have their reward. 
[6] But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret; and your Father 
who sees in secret will reward you.
 [16] "And when you fast, do not look dismal, like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be 
seen by men. Truly, I say to you, they have their reward. 
[17] But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face,
 [18] that your fasting may not be seen by men but by your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you."

This gospel always speaks to me because it's very true. 
You don't have to go around professing that you are devout Catholic or whatever religion you practice. 
You don't have to post bible scriptures to show you "study or read" the bible at all times and how well versed you are. 
You don't have to say how blessed you are to the world and shun those who may not practice the
 same way you do or "study" the bible as you do. 
You don't have to announce to the world that you go to church every Sunday or how much you give or what you do.
 I've said this before and I'll say it again, your relationship with God is personal, 
something to built between you and him and not the world. 
Just like with any human relationship we have, the one with God is personal as well. 
So I think that's something we first and foremost must try to do, get rid of our pride and need to show off 
"how much we love God and know him". The question is if you do that, do you really know him? 
Maybe this is time to change that type of attitude. 
Prayer, Fasting, and Almsgiving
This is what Lent is about. 
Praying to God as if he our friend, our parent, our love, our everything and just talking to him, having a regular conversation
 with him as if we would anybody else. Nothing special. No chants needed. No books. Nothing. Just you and God. 
Fasting or letting of go of what binds us. from what keeps us from God. Whether that be a broken relationship, an insecurity,
 a secret, etc. Letting God give you strength to overcome what keeps your relationship with him, yourself, and others from being stronger. 


Almsgiving by helping not only others but yourself. Fixing yourself through others and by opening yourself up to the mercy
 that God shows us. 


This Lent I challenge you all to find the one thing that keeps your heart locked from God, to unlock your heart and let 
God in to show all the blessings and gifts he has for you during these 40 days and 40 nights. To get to know him, Jesus, and 
yourself freely. 

How will you let God heal you?

 Lent is not a negative time or a time of sadness but something positive. A time for rebirth and rebuilding your relationship 
with God. An opportunity to change and get closer to God once again. 
I will leave you with this tonight my readers...

IF YOU HEAR HIS VOICE, HARDEN NOT YOUR HEART

40 Days and 40 Nights: Falling of the Wagon but Starting Over

What’s going on readers. So yes I fell off the wagon COMPLETELY. I went way too hard too fast and ended up being sore for two weeks. So I decided why not restart for Lent starting Ash Wednesday. So during the time in between, I planed and evaluated what I needed to work on. And yes I am Catholic, so Lent is an important time for me.

Two years ago, I went through a significant change in my life. I had fallen and hit rock bottom in my life, and God gave me a second chance. I was reborn again during Christmas time in order to make a change within myself. So during Lent that year, I evaluated what lead me to my darkest moment and worked on it till the present day. And I must say I am a different person now. So each Lent, I vow to make changes, big or small in order to better my life and my relationship with God. So this is what I’ve come up with for a plan of action during Lent.

1. Get fit

Okay Yes I’m small already but that doesn’t mean anything. Being small doesn’t make anyone healthy or fit. So instead of attempting to go everyday, I’m going to workout every other day. I’m going to start off small tomorrow by going for a run early in the morning and then do core workout at night. Rotation will be every other day until I can handle an everyday rotation.

2. Get Organized

My mind is full of clutter so I decided to keep a day planner with me at all times. This way I can be less stressed and better prepared for all my projects. As I see it, life is getting real now so I need to build strong organizational habits for my clients.

3. Budget

I am horrible at this one and I know I can do better. So all of lent I will not be purchasing anything. I’m going to learn self control in regards to money and really start building a savings, especially since I’ll need it before and during the time I take the bar.

Lastly,

4. Letting go of fear

This is one is hard to explain but there’s something I’ve been fearing that I don’t want to fear anymore. So during these 40 days, I’ll seek guidance through meditation, God, and who ever God leads me to for answers, well pieces to the answer.

Now I have a couple more but those are more personal. But any in case, I hope you all enjoyed Madi Gras aka Fat Tuesday. You’ve partied, indulged, and enjoyed the holiday and now it’s time renew yourselves. Use this time to really connect with God for piecing together the answers you need to build or fix your relationship with God and yourself. To fix vices and build brand new habits. A lot of times we let the world discourage us from being the best we can be but this is the time to change that. God is waiting with hands wide open and strength to give. Remember he does not judge us or punish us for where we have fallen but patiently waits for us to come back home and give us strength to overcome.

So Day 1 begins to day and remember email me with your progress and stories for me to feature.

Biancalee788@gmail.com

THE 21 DAY CHALLENGE TO FIX BAD HABITS AND CREATE GOOD ONES

What’s going on readers? I know I’ve been a way for awhile probably should have posted on the first but that’s so cliche. But Happy New Year Everyone! It is now 2012 and regardless of what 2011 brought you, remember this is you’re fresh start, a brand new beginning, a brand new chapter. God has brought you this far so if you are still battling with past demons or other emotional problems, this is your year to change that. God will give you the strength to make changes but you have to grab his hand first. I know some of you are probably saying “easier said then done,” and you’re probably right but nothing in life was meant to be easy. She’s a female dog with a shot gun but that’s where you take God’s hand and make a plan. Baby steps, crawling, standing, walking, running, THEN you can run. But let’s talk about the planning part.

This subject means a lot to me readers because I’ve been where some of you are right now or were. I’ve been trapped in complete darkness, broken, and ready to give up on everything, and every day I thank God for the second chance but second chances aren’t meant to be wasted either. Its never too late to start over so let’s talk about how to start over.

There’s an old saying that it takes 21 days to break a bad habit. Some say 7 days but let’s be real with ourselves, the 21 sounds about right. Going 21 days without doing something is extremely hard especially when your subconscious kicks in and starts reminding you of how much you love that bad habit, or “its just one time, no harm done.” That’s how we fall of the wagon. Now 21 days doesn’t just have to be applied to bad habits but good ones as well.

A few months ago, I tried this. I knew it would be difficult, I knew it would be hard, I knew I would fall of the wagon and have to start over. That’s the key though, getting back on the horse and trying again no matter how many times he throws you off. I have to admit, looking back I started off pretty bold with emotional bad habits which takes lots of discipline and lots of patience. I fell off…several times so I had to change my strategy by starting of more simply. So I chose things like 21 days of just drinking water (cleansing) and 21 days of no soda. And let me tell you, my mind was definitely peer pressuring me with things like “how about 1 soda a week”….and I had to tell myself NO! And 21 days later, I barely reach for a soda and I drink a lot more water. Next I moved on to emotional problems which I have truly gotten control over like insecurity and forgiving more.

So here’s my challenge to all of you and myself included, let’s use 2012 to fix our vices and start new habits. 21 day Challenge of your choosing! Email me at biancalee788@gmail.com with your 21 day challenge each month and each week I will include not only my progress but my readers as well! Let’s start a trend by fixing ourselves in order to change the world. Don’t forget ARK either in your 21 day challenges 🙂

My first challenge: Working out at least 30 minutes per day for 21 days straight.

Santa is real and I’ll tell You Why

Hello Readers! I told you I promised to keep up with posting on my blog during break and I plan on keeping it. Today I would like to go back to my A.R.K. post and paying it forward. In particularly, I would like to talk about the existence of Santa Claus.

Some of you are probably already saying to yourself “man isn’t this woman 23? Why is she talking about the existence of Santa?” Okay before you start to judge, let me break it down for you and show you how it connects with A.R.K. and paying it forward.

I remember as a child reading the Night Before Christmas on Christmas Eve and even at school right before we went home for break. I even had to memorize it. “Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care in hopes that St. Nicholas would soon be there…” I laugh to myself now because I can still recall every word from memory which I’ll be able to recite to my children without even looking at a book (although I’ll still buy them one so they can learn it too). The story of Santa Claus is one that is timeless and a part of growing up. I vaguely remember some of my friends who gave up in the notion of Santa Claus and when they stopped writing to Santa and merely handing lists to their parents. But I never stop believing per say, my understanding just merely evolved with time. I knew that my parents bought my gifts, splitting the list I submitted evenly but I never stopped “writing” to Santa. My Christmas List for him changed as I got older to things such as wishing my dad would stop smoking, praying my mom and I have enough money to live off of, and for the well being of my family and friends. I never stopped believing because like God and the belief in higher powers, those beliefs hold a hope for the world to be a better place.

I’m going to give you all a little history lesson on the story of Santa Claus, the grown up story that I hope you one day share with you’re older children who realizes he doesn’t live in the north pole.

The true story of Santa Claus begins with Nicholas, who was born during the third century in the village of Patara. At the time the area was Greek and is now on the southern coast of Turkey. His wealthy parents, who raised him to be a devout Christian, died in an epidemic while Nicholas was still young. Obeying Jesus’ words to “sell what you own and give the money to the poor,” Nicholas used his whole inheritance to assist the needy, the sick, and the suffering. He dedicated his life to serving God and was made Bishop of Myra while still a young man. Bishop Nicholas became known throughout the land for his generosity to the those in need, his love for children, and his concern for sailors and ships.
Under the Roman Emperor Diocletian, who ruthlessly persecuted Christians, Bishop Nicholas suffered for his faith, was exiled and imprisoned. The prisons were so full of bishops, priests, and deacons, there was no room for the real criminals—murderers, thieves and robbers. After his release, Nicholas attended the Council of Nicaea in AD 325. He died December 6, AD 343 in Myra and was buried in his cathedral church, where a unique relic, called manna, formed in his grave. This liquid substance, said to have healing powers, fostered the growth of devotion to Nicholas. The anniversary of his death became a day of celebration, St. Nicholas Day, December 6th (December 19 on the Julian Calendar).
One story tells of a poor man with three daughters. In those days a young woman’s father had to offer prospective husbands something of value—a dowry. The larger the dowry, the better the chance that a young woman would find a good husband. Without a dowry, a woman was unlikely to marry. This poor man’s daughters, without dowries, were therefore destined to be sold into slavery. Mysteriously, on three different occasions, a bag of gold appeared in their home-providing the needed dowries. The bags of gold, tossed through an open window, are said to have landed in stockings or shoes left before the fire to dry. This led to the custom of children hanging stockings or putting out shoes, eagerly awaiting gifts from Saint Nicholas. Sometimes the story is told with gold balls instead of bags of gold. That is why three gold balls, sometimes represented as oranges, are one of the symbols for St. Nicholas. And so St. Nicholas is a gift-giver.

The source for the information on St. Nicholas can be found at http://www.stnicholascenter.org, and feel free to read more information and stories they have regarding his legacy. So now that you have some understanding on the history of this man, I hope this rekindled a bit of belief in this person. It saddens me when people say their children will never know Santa Claus because one you’re denying your child a right of innocence and hope and a belief in something beautiful, but also it shows that we’ve forgotten the magic of the season and deny our children the same magic. I use to have breakfast with Santa every year with my Aunt and go to look at the Marshfield’s Windows with her telling so many Christmas stories. I also went to Christmas Around the World at the museum a number of years with Girls Scouts learning all different types of Christmas celebrations. So now let’s talk about the modern day Santas.

St. Nicholas was known as a kind and giving man because that’s how he family raised him, and also he followed Jesus’s teaching of giving back to those who did not have. A lot of people get mad at Santa Claus so called being the focus of Christmas and not Jesus, saying that’s not the reason for the season but in reality it is the reason for the season. Jesus was born in manger with only his parents but they were happy that night because they had each other, and three kings came to give him gifts because they were so moved. Jesus was a child, an innocent child and someone out there wanted him to have a good night. And Santa Claus’s motivation was the teaching of Jesus and this very story. That was his inspiration. So to say that giving and family is not the reason for the season, then well I don’t think people really believe in God and Jesus like they say they do. The spirit of Jesus and Santa Claus dwells within all of us, we just forget that sometimes.

All of us are Santa Claus when we do ARKs for people, when we pay it forward. To day I read a story that truly moved me to tears and my belief in man was greatly heightened by these acts. Anonymous donors across the country have been going into Kmart stores paying off layaways for people struggling to make payments with a particular focus on families with children. One guy paid off 1200 dollars worth of layaways for people with toys and clothes for their children and just reading about the reactions of the beneficiaries, had me in tears. It shows that people are letting God work through them and the spirit of Christmas is not dead but very much alive. St. Nicholas was known as the protector of children and that’s exactly what he is doing through us, protecting innocence.

Anonymous Donors Pay Off Kmart Layaways 

The people who stand outside for the salvation army, people who volunteer at soup kitchens, people who give change to the salvation army and donate clothes and food. These people are all Santas. We all can be a Santa to someone this season and make a difference in someone’s life, even if its just one person, you made someone believe again. Christmas is about giving and thanking God for all the things he has blessed up us with. Its about blessing others just like we had been blessed. Its taking being a Santa to someone whether its our own children or someone else’s. Its about going to church and celebrating a person who brought hope back into the world covered in darkness. Its about the hope at the bottom of pandora’s box.

So let’s all remember the reason for the season and remember that Santa lives in all of us. Be blessed readers.

P.S.

To my black readers, no I didn’t pick a black image of Santa because the real Santa wasn’t black. However, the Santa that lives within is of every race ❤

The non-returnable gift: Thoughts I can never really Think

Good Afternoon readers! I hope you all are having a great day today and if not, remember today is yesterday and tomorrow is a brand new day. I’m currently sitting in my favorite place, Stucksbucks and contemplating what’s really on my mind today that I wanted to share with you all. Since I haven’t really touched on the subject of love lately, I think I’ll talk about that.

I like being on break because I don’t feel guilty about thinking about my life without feeling like I need to be thinking about what kind of motion I need to file or what kind of business a company should form. Law school really takes away any me time I have to just concentrate on myself and meditate on what I’m looking for in life. So over these past few days I’ve been home, I’ve had some good time to go through that list.

It’s been two years since I’ve been in a relationship and while I could have jumped right into another one a few months after it ended, I chose to make myself emotionally unavailable, I had to learn to love myself because I had forgotten how by own consistent mistakes and pride. I must say that being shutdown emotionally had its benefits and while I had a rebound or two after the first four months, it was nice to shut down and just rebuild myself, by myself. Well I can’t say completely by myself, God helped hand me a few pieces and really stayed by my side even when I would break down but looking back, it was all worth it. Taking time to fix myself, not expecting someone to do it for me. Am I completely where I want to be, no but that’s why I had to jump back into the water in order to learn to swim again. Everything in life is trial and error, so I figured somethings wouldn’t change unless I actually got back in and began correcting them. I think that’s one of a greatest fears as human beings, rejection and being hurt again but what’s worse, living without love or going through a few bad apples before we find a good one?

I guess that’s where I am now, ever since I started dating again, I’ve learned what I like, what I won’t tolerate, and what I need. Now my ex wasn’t a bad guy, the break up was bad but honestly if we didn’t have our own problems, things would be a lot different. He was my first love and only guy I’ve ever loved, and I learned a lot from him. He set the standard on what I should expect from a man in terms of how I should be treated and how to love someone, even if I didn’t understand it then. So I can say I’ve dated a couple mistakes in this past year and while I’m still pretty open to new people and really being sure on what I want, I think I’ve gotten to the point where things aren’t broken and there’s nothing to fix. One person has stayed pretty consistent over this past year since I jumped back in and while it’s not serious, I can say the bar has been raised just a bit more. He’s different in what I’ve grown a custom to but I think that just came with maturity. My expectations and what I need and look for is a lot different then what I was looking for a few years ago. While love is important in developing a relationship, I’ve found now that security and consistency is very important to me also. I’m driven and I have things I want to accomplish in my life which have been consistent since I reached college so I’ve found that it’s important for someone to be just as driven as me and have the same values like me.

I value goals and striving for more then the mediocre. I don’t believe in waiting for handouts, I’m extremely independent, and I work hard for things that I want. I’m super inquisitive and love traveling and seeing the world. I don’t box myself in while sometimes I can be sort of a homebody, I’m really a get up and go kind of person. And this person has that same nature as me, focused and driven, probably more then me. I think that’s something that draws me in though, it holds my interest because it’s like looking in a mirror. I mean grabbing my intention starts from the initial meeting and if it isn’t there from jump, I promise you it will never come, but keeping my attention is the hardest. I’m a complex person, I love to talk, and I hate the mundane. So if a person doesn’t have any depth to them, a story for me read then you’ll lose my interest quickly. That’s something that he did, he caught my interest at a first glance then held it when I actually opened the book.

Now I have to admit, I am high maintenance emotionally not in terms of material things but I’m emotionally charged and I’m high sensitive (not easily hurt but intuitively). I do require a lot but a lot less then what I use to need. I blame several factors in that but I’ve grown from it, because I realized a lot of it is insecurity not so much a personality trait. However, what I’ve also realized is that I need someone who understands that and can be patient when it comes to that part of me. I need someone to accept it because while some of it can be changed, it’s who I am. I come from a tight knit family and we were all very close, so while someone doesn’t have to be the exact same as me (which is what i prefer actually), I need someone to make concession here and there. I mean no one wants a woman who won’t be affectionate toward them and that’s a natural trait for most women.

Another thing I’ve learned I don’t like (which was through me talking to someone else, not so much really dating) is unnecessary drama. What I mean by that is avoidable drama. With the person I’ve been seeing for almost a year now, there’s no “problems” or “drama” pre say because we’re dating and if we see other people, they understand that too. I’m not in a relationship with anyone and vice versa. Now the other person I was considering giving a chance apparently didn’t understand the concept of telling other people he was seeing this (matter fact he threw around the I love you word like water, probably an insecurity and immaturity but anyway). So it created problems I didn’t want to deal with which is why I politely said “this isn’t for me” in so many words. But I don’t have that here, and I like that. I have some many other things to worry about career wise at this moment and that has to be a first priority and having someone to get to know during all this is secondary until I finish that on my checklist.

I guess now I’m at the point where I wondering what I do want out of this, which is something I don’t really think about like I should. I mean I continue to be open minded and date other people but I guess I know what I want and don’t want or either I just have tunnel vision, not quite sure. I’m trying to figure out if there is a line between being emotionally involved with someone and the actual relationship part. It’s sitting on a fence in a wide open field wondering what side has the green grass and the fear of making the wrong decision, that decision between what if and a risk. Maybe it’s the season that makes me receptive to these thoughts, with a lot of people I know getting married/engaged and realizing I’m not getting any younger. I’m 23 with just one age between me and 25 and while that’s not old, I don’t go uphill. Its a slow climax to the rest of my life. New chapters that can only be written as they occur and the destination still a blur. I’m in law school and a future professional as a young black woman in America, that closes a lot of doors for me relationship wise because of a stigma that others have created for me. And while yes I have offers, plenty, its not the relationship that’s important to me anymore. I just don’t anyone, I want THE ONE. The one who will be last and everything is as easy as breathing, its not forced. It’s not a contract or a business deal, its just two people who love each other unconditionally for our flaws and all, and who I wouldn’t mind spending all my life with. I’m so flighty, I get tired of the same things and the mundane, I’m always looking for adventure and new experiences. And I need somebody who can keep me in one place, make me want to sit still for once or even be an adventurer with me. Traveling the world this summer was a dream come true but I can say it wouldn’t have been as great without the person I traveled with. Sharing my life with someone is a nice thought, especially when they are just as adventurous as me.

I feel like now its a time for me really know what I want and to take the time to understand where I want to be. It’s a process, I’ll be take things into consideration but I also want to take a chance and really see with blinders. I probably will have to make some adjustments to do that but it’ll be worth it. I realize that sometimes we can blind ourselves with one thing and ignore things that we just might not be able to deal with.

I know I’m young, I know I have my whole life ahead of me but there is such thing as having it all and nothing at the same time. I’m content with myself, I’m content with my friends and family but there’s this big piece of me now that wants my own love. My own reason to come home instead of constantly looking for a new thrill in life, a temporary high you can say. I can’t stay in the air forever and when I come back down, I want to come home to something of my own. Not just a nice house or pretty clothes and car. Things fade but what I’ve grown to learn is that love doesn’t. You have to be willing to work for it (the free will of choice in accepting a gift from God, a piece of him or not) but I know that I am. I want that gift from God because I know its his most precious gift he can give us, something that is him. Success in life for me means saving the world and having my own family at the same time. Connecting my human life with my spiritual by giving hope to others and love to another.

I guess I romanticize love but what is love without romance. Without that flame that draws two people together like two magnets or flies to a light. I guess this makes me a hopeless romantic who lives in a world that doesn’t exist anymore but to growing up isn’t realizing that love isn’t about romance and an unconditional care for another person, growing up is realizing how precious the gift is and how we don’t control when the gift is given. I know what I can control and that’s just not one of them. When God gives me that gift, its on is own terms and time, rather I believe I’m ready or not, he believes I am. Meaning I’ve done something right. So for now I’ll be patient, kind, and true.

Be Blessed readers and remember don’t let yourself get in the way when God has something special for you. You think he just gives away a piece of him freely and consistently but trust me you turn it down once, you’ll be settling for something less. It really can be simple only if you let it.

PAYING IT FORWARD BY BUILDING AN ARK: GIVING AND RECIEVING

Hello my devoted readers! I know I disappeared for a good two weeks, maybe three not quite sure but I am back and totally refreshed after enduring finals. I apologize for keeping you all waiting for so long but let’s just say you’ll have a post to read everyday for the most part while i’m on break.

I’ve been wanting to do this piece for a while now and I’m not quite sure how long it will be but it’s something we all should have been doing, especially during the holidays. I was watching Evan Almighty one day and I noticed something at the end of the movie that really struck me, when “God” wrote the word ARK into the ground which was an acronym for Acts of Random Kindness. I’m sure many people didn’t catch it and only realized the humor in the movie but there was a deeper message. I want to talk about paying it forward and ARK today which I should have posted when I thought of it on Thanksgiving but oh finals how it destroys any other thoughts and things I want to do. But anyway the concept of paying it forward, the movie we’ve all scene, thought was cute but never really thought about paying it forward.

The holidays have become so commercialized and materialistic, and while there’s the men and women who stand outside of stores and on street corners for the salvation army, attempting to collect enough money to help at least one family in distress, people do the bare minimum in order to make themselves feel good. Have we really become that selfish and living the concept of “every man for himself” that we do as little as possible to help our fellow humans? What happened to our humanity? Why don’t we do Acts of Random Kindness anymore?

I think those of us who have take for granted those who don’t. Maybe because we don’t understand or maybe we do and just try to forget the times we were in need, but is that an excuse like the saying “boys will be boys”? Maybe we don’t have time for Acts of Random Kindness? I don’t think so. There’s never a good reason not to help our fellow man in some way, any way. We’ve all had our blessing in life, God finding ways to make life not so bad when we take his hand and let him, so why not let him use to you to do the same for another.

A good friend of mine after we we’re finished with finals, well actually when he was finished (I had one more to go) went to buy presents for under privileged kids for Christmas just because. I admire him for this because he realized how much God has blessed him in life so he wanted to let God work through him by blessing others, which is what we should all strive to do all year long, not just Christmas.

So let’s talk about paying it forward and ARK….

I know a lot of my readers are students like me and giving up money is hard thing to do and even you aren’t a student, I understand we’re in a recession! Money is tight. But paying it forward by ARK doesn’t have to be giving money, it could be really simple. If you see a person who just looks like they are having a bad day, shoot a smile or a hello their way. People don’t understand the power of a smile and hello, you could seriously make that person’s day! Or how about just letting someone cut you in traffic, that could be the difference between that person making it to see a loved one who is a sick or not losing their job. Holding a door for someone or just starting a random conversation with someone could make a big difference. When you leave a restaurant and someone who is homeless is asking for change for food, give him you’re leftovers if you have any! Or if you see him before you go in, get a burger or something off the menu and hand it to him on your way out. And how about instead of that second latte or putting your change in a jar from the store, put it in the Salvation Army bucket. Do you really need that change? Probably not. Do you have free time? Go a hospital where cancer patients are and just go sit and talk with them, you have no idea how you’re presence will make a world of difference. The list is endless.

Now how many of you remember the concept of paying it forward? The theory behind it from the movie? Well it starts with you doing three good deeds a day, whatever you choose for three people. Three people you don’t know or maybe a family member you barely speak too. And by you doing these ARKS, the person who receives them then goes out and does the same thing (of course without you telling them too). Granted will everyone do it? No but that doesn’t matter, all that matters is that you took a moment out to let God work through you like he works through others for you.

Noah didn’t have to let all those people on the ARK but he did. He paid it forward to thousands of people who felt the power of God’s love through him. We are challenged as believers in hope and faith and a high power (regardless of your religion) to reach out to our fellow man like others reach out to us. So this is my challenge readers: Every day this season, do three ARKs to pay it forward and don’t stop because Christmas is over but make a New Years Resolution to continue reaching out. The world is a scary place full of violence and greed, and all it takes is one pebble to create a ripple in the water. Hope lies at the bottom of our hearts so let the light shine.

Happy Holidays and until next time be blessed ❤

Are you failing in your Relationship?

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13

 Good evening readers? I said I would be attempt to keep up better with my blog post. Today’s topic centers around relationships. Yes relationships. Are you tired of hearing about relationships from me? I know I tweet a lot of relationships and love of the such but these are important topics. Are you waiting for my topics not the myths of HBCUs? I’ll get there. Don’t worry, it’s coming. But anyway, relationships. A lot of us are excuse my french but fucking them up, greatly. I mean love is something that is a divine gift from God, a blessing. Yet we mess up something so amazing and so wonderful. And what’s even worse is that God love unconditionally, at all times yet we fall short all the time.

I sound really cliche right now don’t I? But do you even know what relationship I’m talking about? No I’m not talking about loving God and I’m not going to even go there (mainly because i went there already in my first post) because that’s implied (hopefully). And no I’m talking about random people or family or significant others, because there’s a relationship that comes before all of these. Figure it out yet? No? Shame on you! But you just proved my point. The relationship that we are all fucking up at the most and over and over is with OURSELVES. WITH YOU, YOURSELF, AND YOU.

I went to mass on Sunday because while I was feeling more relieved, more healthy, and pulled together, I had this feeling I just needed to tie up lose ends. I needed to sit still for an hour and usually the only place and time I can truly do that is at mass. So I always looked forward to the Homily (for Protestant Counter-parts thats the equivalent to you alls sermons) because God always “scolds” me and yes “scolds” me clearest through the priest. He always seems to get the message from the spiritual parent across so well and precise. The theme for that mass was loving yourself and boy when I say God told me off, sheesh I’m getting double portions at dinner. Now I’m not going to sit up and here and attempt to go word for word what the priest said however I will break it down for you all thus why I post Corinthians (fooled ya’ll didn’t I).

Now when the priest said love yourself, he wasn’t say anything about throwing the middle finger to the world and saying every man for himself. But loving yourself in the sense where you take care of yourself like God takes care you. God put a lot of work into us. When he made the world, he look around and said to himself “this is good, real good” and when he made adam and eve he said the same thing! So God loves us unconditional and will make sure we are okay, will be there when we reach out and hold us when we need it. But WE have to love ourselves as well, unconditional and help ourselves. Let me tell you a story….

A few weeks ago, I was a mess. Tired all the time even after sleeping for 8 hours. I wasn’t eating on a regular bases and I had headaches every week. I couldn’t figure out for the life of me what was wrong with me. Granted I continued to overwork myself (i admit this now) and neglect my basic needs. I fought hard going to the doctor. I would say I need to go as if trying to convince myself but never went. My friend was just as worried and would ask me every other day “are you going to the doctor”. I finally listened and went…to quite a few actually. And honestly that was God’s way in saying “sit still, I’m trying to tell you something.” He was basically saying “you haven’t been taking good care yourself.” Wasn’t doing a very good job with my relationship with myself and I felt in more ways then one.

God does not ask much of us but to be A DECENT PERSON. Let me repeat myself. God doesn’t ask much of us but to be a DECENT PERSON. And I say God only asks for that because my aunt and uncle and as well as my whole family has always said to me that all we want is for you to be a DECENT PERSON, and my family was a blessing from heaven and gift and I TRULY believe that they are messengers for God for me so God wants me to be a DECENT PERSON. He wants nothing but the best for us and will LOVE us regardless of who we are and any mistakes we make in life so why can’t we love ourselves in that same way? And how can we be a DECENT PERSON if we don’t LOVE ourselves unconditionally as God loves us? Let’s begin….

LOVE IS PATIENT, LOVE IS KIND AND IS NOT JEALOUS

How can we begin to love ourselves if we are not patient with ourselves or kind to ourselves. If constantly beat down on ourselves or sulk in our flaws, how can we truly love ourselves unconditionally. Its not that we need to ignore our flaws or not push ourselves, not that’s important for progress but when we only see the bad and just not merely acknowledge it then we blind ourselves from seeing all the good in ourselves as well. We have to pat ourselves on the back when we do good and acknowledge that we are human and not perfect. When we envy others or become jealous of what others have, that’s only perpetuating the hate that lies inside that we have for our own selves. When we send hate mail to our ex’s fiancés out of bitterness for our own lives or talk about someone because we’re jealous of their blessings, its shows hate for self. You cannot love yourself if you are too busy worrying about what someone else has been blessed with and more than likely you are missing blessings that God has bestowed upon you.

LOVE DOES NOT BRAG AND IS NOT ARROGANT, DOES NOT ACT UNBECOMINGLY

Loving yourself is important which entails taking care yourself and being the best person you can be, but when we brag about ourselves this is not love, it is lack of love for ourselves and dependency on others recognition or jealousy. Arrogance and bragging go hand in hand in destroying the love we are suppose to have for ourselves. When people brag about oh lets say a ring they have or their marriage or relationship because they want to either show someone up or make some jealous but that’s not loving yourself and all you’re seeking is acceptance or some reaction of someone to make you more comfortable of your situation. All these also make one unbecomingly as well because of the self-hate that shows through the bragging and arrogance. So while patting yourself on the back is good, being humble is also important in self love.

IT DOES NOT SEEK ITS OWN, IS NOT PROVOKED, DOES NOT TAKE INTO ACCOUNT A WRONG SUFFERED, DOES NOT REJOICE IN UNRIGHTEOUSNESS, BUT REJOICES WITH THE TRUTH

A lot of times we as human beings dwell on wrongs done to us and take it out on the world. It not only shows we don’t love one another but it shows we don’t love ourselves either. When we continually hold grudges or dwell on past wrongs by people and then make others guilty of possibly doing the same wrong, then it shows a lack of trust and love for ourselves. It shows we don’t believe we are good enough therefore everyone is out to do some harm/wrong to us. If everyone is guilty before they are innocent, we ultimately are saying we don’t know our own self worth or trust ourselves. Which we undoubtably cause more harm to ourselves down the line, therefore showing we do not love ourselves as God loves us. In order to love ourselves we have to be happy and trust ourselves and not be so quick to destroy ourselves because of past wrongs. You basically are letting the devil and evil when in destroying you verses taking God’s strength and building yourself back up.

LOVE BEARS ALL THINGS, BELIEVES ALL THINGS, HOPES ALL THINGS, ENDURES ALL THINGS.

When you love yourself you believe in yourself, keep faith in yourself, and endures all the good and bad with the strength of God beside you. If God has unfailing faith, hope, and bears our pains with us then in order to love ourself we need to do the same as he.

Love thyself first then you can love another the same as you love yourself as God loves.

Love is divine and a blessing which is bestowed upon from him.

Model Mayhem: The Epidemic of the Self-Proclaimed Social Networking Model

Okay so I haven’t written in quite so sometime and I most APOLOGIZE readers! Like i have several blogs started, just haven’t finished some of them but here’s my topic today. Social Network Models: WHAT IS THE PURPOSE! 

So I was on Facebook earlier today and one of my former co-workers at Guess is now a stripper. How do I know this? Well a photographer at her “new job” took pictures of her “working” at “work” (and yes I see this to be problematic if she ever thinks of becoming a professional but that’s a topic for another day or this one actually). Now at first I was like this girl needs to untag herself, what is she doing? But then again, I thought to myself “hey she’s getting paid for it (probably a lot of money) and is seemingly comfortable. Acceptable (too a certain degree that she is getting paid, still think this will cause transitional problems, i’ll get to that). Well anyway this made me think about these social network “models”. You know the ones who pay some guy with an expensive camera probably $100 or more dollars an hour plus cost of proofs and whatever else to photograph them in lewd positions (you know half naked, ass up, legs spread, boobs out, cheep underwear or skimpy clothes) because he said “oh you have a beautiful body and face, you could be a model. Here’s my card.” And the girl smiles because she has no self esteem what so ever until then and gathers her min wage money to pay him to basically produce pornographic photographs to put on the internet. Then he finds another unsuspecting girl to do the same to. Yeah you know, those types. My question today is WHY? Why do these girls sit up and degrade themselves for free, matter fact PAY to degrade themselves?? 

These girls have photos on the a typical sites

http://www.modelmayhem.com

http://www.twitter.com

http://www.facebook.com

http://www.myspace.com

and the list goes on…

Tara Banks started her show America’s Next Top Model when I was in high school where in the first few seasons, she warned young women of the dangers of scam artists out there. She said NEVER pay for photos or portfolios, NEVER TRUST so called free lance photographers, NEVER PAY so called scouting sites or companies. Finding an agency to represent you COST virtually NOTHING but you walking in and you having what THEIR clients are LOOKING for. Same with MANY fashion magazines like COSMOPOLITAN, COSMO GIRL, GLAMOUR, ELLE, ELLE GIRL, VOGUE, VOGUE GIRL, ETC. ALL of them WARN them, yet still and all these young women continue to do these things. All these lewd pictures become public information and property and can easily be used for the wrong purposes. 

What these young women also don’t understand is when they attempt to secure actual professional careers, these “model pictures” are going to come back to haunt them. Just like making a sex tape or sending out lewd pictures of yourself in a text message that end up all of over the net or something, THIS TOO CAN CAUSE A PROBLEM. Employers WILL type in your name into a SUPER search engine that goes FAR beyond that of anything we have and WILL FIND all these “model pictures” floating around the internet. And honestly I’ve googled some of the young ladies names that I have seen with these model mayhem modeling pages and have found a lot just through GOOGLE a BASIC search engine. So not only have paid to degrade yourself (at least my ex co-worker is getting paid), you also have cut your chances at a real career because trust me it will be USED against you. TIMES ARE HARD and employers are becoming more cut throw in narrowing down candidates. 

So please take this advice wisely for any of you THINKING about it…DON’T do it. And those of you who already have, well I suggest you begin cleaning up now. 

“First impressions are lasting impressions” 

Spiritual Growth and the Human Experience

So I’ve been wanting to do this for awhile now. Start another blog (kind of liked blogging when I was in Europe). This blog is my own thoughts and experiences which may or may not reach out to anyone in particular or a lot of people in particular but these are lessons in life, love, and law and everything that falls in between. The first topic is balancing life and spiritual growth. 

So let me first start by saying I have been working on my spiritual growth since about January of 2010 (not very long I know) and my decision came from a series of events in my life that I let weaken my spirit. My life hasn’t been unbearably hard but it hasn’t been easy either and personally I don’t anyone has the right to downplay anyone else’s hardship in life because they aren’t living it so you have no right to say whose life is harder then another. But anyway, before then I had gone through bouts of being religious and not being religious. There were events in my life where I truly believed God had abandoned me. But this past year and half I have learned that God never abandons us no matter what we do or how far we stray. And let me tell you it’s the most difficult simple lesson to learn. 

A lot of people will go around telling you that you’re wrong or disrespectful for only coming to God in your time of need, but let me be the first to tell you THEY ARE WRONG. And while I don’t knock anyone in anyway in what they choose to worship God or build that personal relationship, I do have a problem with people telling others how to build a personal relationship with God. 

What I have discovered over this year and half that I didn’t know before is my relationship with God is personal just like any other relationship in life. A lot of times we forget this, we let people in to tell us how we should love, communicate, or trust another person but in actuality how we do these things is up to us and something completely personal and the same  applies to our relationship with God. While most of us follow some kind of denomination or religion in order to worship with people with similar beliefs, your relationship with God is YOUR relationship with God.  When you pray, how you pray, what you tell God thats ALL personal. 

A little bit about me, I am a devout Catholic and will defend my religious beliefs firmly, however, while I identify culturally as a Catholic Christian (and let this be a lesson to you all CATHOLICS ARE CHRISTIANS. Christianity is split into two parts Catholicism and  Protestant, and Protestant is further broken into DENOMINATIONS) I do not believe in everything that Catholicism teaches. I’m pro-choice, for gay rights, and birth control and I don’t believe I need to repent to a priest while sometimes I do. But I digress. I go to mass and worship with like minded individuals but most of the time I build my relationship with God on my own. I talk to God and trust God like I would my mother because that’s how I see God as a parent. I realized that no matter how far I strayed from him and how lost I got, he was always there to welcome me back with open arms and whenever I was ready to talk, he had an ear and strength to give me. I stopped asking why God put me through events in life or why he took someone way because I had to realize God doesn’t want to hurt me any way and that’s just apart of life. Life causes the negative things and even positive things and has a balance. Sometimes the bad happens by circumstance or by our own choice but at the end of it all God is there to give us a hand up when we’ve fallen down. He’s there to give us strength and doesn’t force us to do anything we’re not ready for. This revelation has changed my view in life greatly.

Now a lot of people believe God has a path or journey pre-created for us and that’s partially true. I believe our destination is written and God has a purpose for all of us but I don’t believe the journey is written. I think we forget sometimes that God gave us free will to choose the path we want to take in life whether they be easy or less traveled, we have CHOICES. I think one thing that REALLY grinds my gears are these people out here using God as an excuses to why they CAN’T do something. To me those people don’t know God or who God is and just put on a front to the world like the Pharisees (yes we Catholics read the bible). God doesn’t hinder you from your goals in life or your dreams. Whatever you desire in your life to do (and that means GOOD you desire like careers, family, love, etc) God will do his part 100 percent of the time but its up to us to actually meet him half way and do our part. We have to trust that God is there in the middle waiting for us and give an A for Effort I like to say. Thats what faith is, trusting that God is going to be there with his hand out waiting for us to meet him. We cannot sit up here and say we are so loyal and so devout to God when we use his name in vein (yes i know the ten commandments) as means to make excuses for being unambitious. Its almost like people want God to come slap them in the face and say “GET YOUR ASS UP AND DO SOMETHING WITH YOURSELF”. That’s why God gives us parents, friends, significant others, etc. I think those people like some welfare people are just looking for a hand out. They want God to do all the work and that’s not how it works. 

For example, I’ve witnessed persons who claim they are just so religious and are always quoting the bible and going to service but these people criticize others who reach out to God in times of need but use God an excuse to why they aren’t successful in life. They even use God for the MISTAKES they have made in life which has made their paths well more difficult. I’ve even heard these type of people use God as a reason for not MAKING an effort in personal relationships by using God as a means of reverse psychology. They say things like “I’m waiting on God to send me a virtuous women.” or “I’ll commit when God says its time” or “I’ll go back to school when God says so.” or things along the line of God will make this relationship work with this person even though this person doesn’t want to commit for the latter reasons. Crazy right? These people, in my opinion, are not true followers of God and honestly they do not know God. These are choices we make in regards to our happiness or lack thereof. Relationships work because WE PUT FORTH EFFORT for them to work, not because God says so. Again its called free will and God is a mere facilitator in our lives. 

I’m hoping you see my connection on today’s topic between our earthly goals and our spiritual growth. When you trust God and admit you need help, God will give you strength to get through this life, to get our ultimate destination. I always like to say “you can bring a horse to water but you can’t make us drink.” God has brought you to the water when you are thirsty and dying but my question for you today is are you going to drink? Or are you going to die of thirst out of choice?